Less is more … until trust (is established)
Say the minimum that must be said
Until 90 days into any relationship
Then express yourself completely
As trust, at a subconscious level,
takes time to establish.
The fox said to the little prince, I am a fox, a wild animal. The only
way you can tame me is to be patient. On the first day sit on the edge
of the field at the horizon, so I can barely see you out of the corner
of my eye. The next day sit one step closer. Each day sit a step closer.
Do not look at me. Do not say anything to me. If you do this, after
many days, I will suddenly approach you. I will be tame.
It takes 90 days to establish trust at a subconscious level. Test this theory and you may find, as did I, that the 90-Day Rule seems valid.
The 90-Day Rule, in simplest fashion, states that the egoic aspect of the personality will initially reveal itself (to a substantial degree) at 90 days into any relationship (i.e., with your boss, employees, new acquaintances, lover, etc.). During high school did you notice that relationships burst into flames at approximately three months? Not coincidence. The book Conscious Relationship is predicated upon the 90-Day Rule. The text suggests that, at a subconscious level, any two parties to a relationship are drawn together for the purpose of helping one another to transform/evolve by triggering unresolved emotional reactivity in the other party. At a conscious level, initial (superficial) compatibility brings two participants to a relationship (again, platonic or romantic) together. Shadow compatibility keeps a couple together in the long-run, or at least helps the couple completely resolve the relationship. See Conscious Relationship for detailed explanation.
My test of the 90-Day Rule consisted of remaining relatively silent – other than saying hello – during the initial 90 days of a yoga teacher training program. There were 30 people in the class. I received nothing more than a salutation during the initial 90 days of class. Then, at approximately day 90, it seemed that almost everyone in the room suddenly warmed to me. Thereafter I was invited to lunch, chatted with, etc. The 90-Day Rule – that it takes 90 days to establish trust – seemed accurate.
In another test of the 90-Day Rule, albeit inadvertent, I bought a business last April, a wooden tall ship (Redwitch.com). I knew that relationships would change, at least a bit, at approximately three months after purchase of the boat. As we began to offer private charters aboard the beautiful boat in May, only a month after I bought the boat, there was insufficient time to focus on much other than marine operations (safely sailing the boat). As such, I inherited crew who had worked aboard the boat in preceding years. I had no time to interview, hire and train new crew. The key employee I was assigned, a First Mate, was easy to work with at first, but our relationship became increasingly tense – as he seemed frustrated any time I suggested we change any facet of the boat or operating systems. At Day 89 into our relationship, at approximately 2300 (11:30 p.m.), following a very long day in which we handled three private charters, he exploded. He verbally attacked me while one of his subordinates (Second Mate) observed. Again, I knew that relationships would shift at 90 days, in one way or another. I was not shocked by his outburst – saw it coming! I demoted him from First Mate, offered him a job wherein he would not be responsible for subordinate crew, and would not work aboard the ship when at sail, as chain of command must be followed, and he revealed – at approximately 90 days into our working relationship, that I could not trust him.
Observe the course of new relationships. Do you notice that relationships shift, at least a bit, at 90 days?
Andrew
